true colors

ramblings from in front o the tube

Last night the un-thinkable happened. Two things actually.

1. I sat through an episode of America's Next Top Model.
Don't ask me why... but there was nothing else on. Although it was rather amusing watching the prospective top models in thier flamenco dresses, and then freezing a drowning in the next shoot. What did you think it was going to be easy? My favorite part is the end, when they show their photos, because I love seeing the magic of photoshop. Makes me wish I was a photo manipulator. That is a job I would absolutely LOVE. It really is magic what can be done to a photo. Anyway... I will probably not be watching the finale next week. What ever happened to Wed night TV anyway. It has gotten so dull. The most amazing thing is that second thing:

2. Jarrett sat through the show with me.
Unbelievable, I know. He even admitted that there was nothing else on. Except for maybe "Leave it to the REAL Beavers" on Animal Planet. but I think it was more fun if we both suffered through a lame reality show than watch something only one of us would like. But who doesn't like beavers!? LOL.

But have no fear... for tonight is Thursday. The most happenin night on TV!!! It is really sad how excited I am about it. I know. First on Survivor, we will see if Yul and Ozzy can hold onto the control of the game. What will pretty boy and the arm candy think of Johnathan's double mutiny? Now that he can't be trusted by anybody, is he looking more and more tempthing to take to the final 2? But would you really want to bring him to the finals, incase you don't win the final immunity challenge, you wouldn't want whoever does win to pick Johnathan over you... what to do?

Then on Grey's Anatomy... (or as Jarrett calls it: "Doctors with hormones") Last weeks episode was just SO dramatic, that I can't even begin to speculate on what might happen.

Also: I did not hear from my Doctor today, since they CLOSE at NOON! WTF?! I suppose there are more important things to take care of, so I will be patient for one more day. But you better beleive I will not be happy if I have to wait all weekend.

AND: I got a new phone!!! The new LG VX8600. So I have been having fun getting to know my new toy! It has been almost 2 years since I had a new phone, and hopefully this one will be as good as my last. I read a lot of reviews and this one seemed to be the best one for me! I love it!

excruciating

CAUTION: THIS POST CONTAINS DISCUSSION OF THE FEMALE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM. (mine to be specific) DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T WANNA KNOW...

I had my first ultrasound today.

Most women have an ultrasound to confirm pregnancy. Mine was to confirm something else. I am not entirely sure what is wrong. One of the most frustrating things about going through that whole process was that even if the tech saw something horribly wrong, she is not allowed to say anything. Of course since I have done my online research, and I watch Discovery Health Channel, I am a mini expert. So watching her take measurements of my ovaries, I convinced myself that they were covered in cysts. But I guess I should probably wait until I hear from the DR. until I start freaking out right? One of my fears about this whole thing is that they find nothing wrong. Of course that would be wonderful! But it wouldn't explain the almost constant, excruciating stabbing pain that is now on both sides of my pelvis. It is getting worse and worse every day, and more and more frequent.

I mentioned to the girl who was doing the ultrasound that I bet the baby ultrasounds are so much more fun than this kind. She said "Oh, please don't mention babies right now. I had a really bad U/S today, where the baby had died. There was no movement, and no heartbeat. Of course I was trying to keep it together, because we are not allowed to disclose any information to the patient, but obviously she knew what she was looking at, and she was just sobbing, it was awful."

Yeah, thats exactly what I need to hear. I'm glad that it is over, but it may be just the beginning. I am trying to think positively, but the constant reminder of the pain is making it harder and harder to do so. I am really trying to focus on day to day things, and I haven't written about it, so it wouldn't seem like that big of a deal.

But who am I trying to kid. I can be honest with my blog. I am really worried. Hopefully I wont have to wait too long to hear from the Drs. She said it would probably be 2 days.

Sorry for such a depressing post. this really sucks.

Oh The Holidays...

Shopping for a few grocery items on Thanksgiving Eve, I realized just how much I love shopping during the holidays. I am thankful for one thing for sure... that I no longer work in the retail industry. I worked 6 years at a local Safeway through high school and college. Some of that was cashiering, some was in the floral department. As soon as those bags of halloween candy hit the shelves, you knew it was coming.

THE HOLIDAYS

Oh. Joy. The scurrying to buy the very last potato in the store, to people fighting over places in the checkout line. From October to May, it was one holiday after another! Whew, I am glad those days are over. Although holidays at the zoo are almost as crazy. I never understood why people get so stressed out over the holidays. Its like people become crazed lunatics that don't seems to have any regard for other people. On the road, in the stores, pretty much everywhere. My familiy has never been big on spreading the holiday cheer. We don't get up at the crack of dawn on Black Friday to hit the door buster deals. We never went caroling, or baked millions of holiday cookies.

One holiday tradition we had though, started one year when my Aunt Sharon was visiting for Christmas. I can't remember how old we were, but my sister and I were maybe between 5-7. We asked where we were going one night, only to be told : " We're going on a Wild Goose Chase!". Of course we had no idea what that meant, but we hopped in the car, and began driving around, looking for wild geese. On the way, we saw all the beautiful houses, lit up with christmas lights. We never found any "wild geese" but I remember oohing and ahhing as we drove all over town looking at the pretty lights. This started a tradition that we did for years to come. We never put up our own Christmas lights, so maybe that is why we enjoyed it so much.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I know I did. The food was perfect, and tasted exactly like it always does. I don't know what my mom does to those mashed potatoes, but they are pretty tough to beat. (she probably adds a pound of butter, but what I don't know won't hurt me). It was very nice to spend some quality time with my family, which doesn't happen too often. I went home absolutely stuffed and ready for my annual tryptophan coma. But that got interrupted by a fantastic night of TV with the long awaited Survivor Merge/double mutiny of johnathan that put my favorite two players, Yul and Ozzy in a pretty good position. Pretty boy adam and his two little princesses didn't know what hit em! "Yul doesn't have the idol"... sukas! Then what followed was an even more dramatic episode of Grey's Anatomy that left my mouth hanging the entire hour and 10 minutes. I couldn't have asked for more.

Well thats all for now, time to go put my feet up and relax a bit. My day starts at 7am tomorrow getting some much needed love from my favorite giraffes. LAter!

things I am doing today:

Making pasta salad
mmmmcarbs! Corkscrew pasta, carrots, onion, broccoli, cucumber, and little grape tomatoes. (i forgot bell peppers, but it will be ok without them) Then I am going to splash the whole thing with italian dressing, fresh grated parmasean cheese, and black pepper. Mmm. Ok salt too. I can't eat it without salt.

Making brownies
no explaination needed. They just make me FEEL good.

siting on the couch trying not to personally remove my ovaries with a rusty fork
Did i mention this? I don't think so. My ovaries... they are a hurtin. I don't know why, but more than likely, the culprit are ovarian cysts. not functional ones, because I am on the Pill (Why is "Pill" capitalized anyway... giving it a proper noun status? ) I shouldn't be reading about this on the internet, but forgive me. I have. In most cases, the pain just goes away, unless it is severe, acute pain that doesn't go away, and affects your daily activities. Uh-oh. I had a Dr. appt on Friday. and the soonest they could get me in for an ultrasound is next Tuesday. It will be the most FUN thing ever. (insert sarcasm HERE) And we are not talkin about the happy little ultrasound through the abdomen. Ladies, you know what I am talking about. If there are any guys reading, just play dumb. You don't wanna know!

So thoughts cross my mind about ovarian cancer, losing one or both, and surgury to remove the cysts. But I shouldn't jump to any conclusions...

Watching HOURS upon HOURS of food network
There is only so many ways to cook a turkey... and I will have all of them memorized by Turkey day.

Going to bowl a Turkey to celebrate the holiday with my work buddies
I have bowled a turkey before. It was so SWEET! Hopefully the pain in my dysfunctional ovaries doesn't get in the way.

So that is my day. Oh yeah, if I feel like it, I may do some laundry. What more could I ask for?

from me to we

I have done a lot of thinking about Lisa's comment on my latest blog. It is true that Jay and I are not really thinking in terms of We. It is a very hard thing to learn to do. I see so many happy little families every single day at the zoo, and it makes me so sad. What did they do right? and what am I doing wrong? It seems like the older you get, the harder and harder it is to blend your life with someone else's. You spend so much time focused on YOU, and worked hard to get yourself to a place where you are happy, that you don't want to have to sacrifice it for anyone. Its like, I know no matter what, I know I can be happy with the life I have made for myself. I look toward a future with Jay, and yes, I see a happy ending. But what will need to be sacrificed to get there? And is what I see for the future the same things that he sees?

At Church yesterday, the pastor was talking about how we always want to see the end result before we decide to do something. Lord, please just show me what will happen, and then I will do it. but of course His answer is always "No". That is part of the learning process I suppose. Learning to have faith in His path for you, no matter how treacherous the journey may be. I often wonder when or where I will end up, and of course I want to know exactly what I am supposed to do to get there. But what would be the fun in that?

The other night we got in another argument. It was a stupid miscommunication, but Jay said something to me that hurt me worse than anything he ever could have said. He might as well had said that he hated and had no respect for me. I couldn't and still can't believe it. I don't care how mad you are, you do not say something like that. I am not sure why that word was even invented. It would have been one thing if I deserved it, but when I felt I did nothing wrong.... yeah, it hurts. And yes, he apologized, and I forgave him. But I will never be able to forget it. How can you say you love someone one minute, and F-you the next? There are things that you just DONT SAY. He of all people knows how communication is irreversible, and why you should always think before you speak.

I don't know what is going on with him. I know he is going through some roundabout, confusion about his options in life, and which path to choose. But I don't want to be an outlet for the frustration. How do you get to a point where you can hurt the one you love? It is not fair. He wrote a blog yesterday, and said that he felt like because of our arguments, and harsh words, he feels like I look at him with cold/hateful eyes.

The way I look at him is with confusion and disbelief. I want to know what he is thinking and I wish he would talk to me about the things he is bothered by. I shouldn't have to read it in a damn blog. I am trying my damnedest to figure him out, and understand just what exactly it is that could push someone to the level that they are shouting and cursing at you. Maybe I also look at him with mistrust. How can I trust that he wont lash out at me again? It has happened 3 times now. I don't deserve to be treated like that, and I will NOT tolerate it. Hopefully he can understand this. It is like ripping my heart out, and stomping on it. I don't know what it will take to fix our situation. But I do know that love is a powerful thing... Everyone makes mistakes, and I am really trying my hardest to let these things go and move on to a better place with him. It is not going to be easy,

One step at a time...

UPDATE

Okay, Ok. I am alive! I am doing pretty good actually. It was a tumultuous couple of weeks. All in all, everything turned out to be ok. Here is the story,

After several really bad fights, J and I realized that we have many differences, and concerns about one another. I wont go into all the messy details, but after breaking up for a night, we realized that we have put so much time into this relationship, and we still really love eachother, and it would not be fair to give up on each-other. It comes down to compromise. However I don't feel that one person should have to sacrifice everything for one another. For example, I have dreams of becoming a zookeeper, and even though it doesn't pay well, I absolutely love my job. I will do what it takes to make it work, and if/when I decide that I want to do something else someday, I want it to be my decision. I don't want to be pressured to sacrifice something that makes me happy. I understand how this can be frustrating for someone who may not see the value in what I do, or have the same passions. I don't expect him to feel the same way I do about animals, but at least respect and support what I do, since it does make me happy.

On the other side of the coin, Jay wants to possibly go get his Master's degree overseas, or maybe even move to another country someday. I honestly don't know how I feel about up and leaving my home, family, friends and the job I love to follow someone else's dream. I would never want to keep him from obtaining any of his goals and dreams though, and vice versa. So it is tough! But we don't really need to make any big decisions right now. My dad was saying that the point of relationships is to spend a part of your life getting to know someone, and enjoying the time that you spend together. If it isn't forever, at least you can look back and say you had fun, and you hopefully made a positive influence in someone's life. These are words of wisdom from a man who loves my mom to death, but they for some reason don't get along enough to live in the same house together.

So at least we know what our differences are. All of our cards are on the table. None of these issues are things that cannot be resolved right now. Like I said, it is not like Jay has a job offer in Timbuktu... so we are taking things one day at a time. The stress of this whole thing has taken a bit of a toll, but I think things are starting to return to normal. But what the heck is normal anyway?

Also.... think positive thoughts about several full time job opportunities that have come up in the past couple of weeks. One of which is a Hoofstock/Birds department keeper, which is the dept I have been volunteering on for the past 4 months. The other 2 are more like what I do now, doing animal presentations, but more hands on. (ie: a free flight hawk demonstration) There is also keeper duties for the program animals involved as well. I think I have a really good chance at one of them, so wish me luck.

sorry if you were expecting a more extensive update... but I promise to post again soon. The daunting task of writing this ordeal was a bit overwhelming, but now it is done! On to bigger and better things next time.
Ciao!~

concerning concerns

Hello out there.

There are some very big issues going on in my life right now. Unfortunately most of them concern Jarrett, and unfortunately he has this blog address. But the fortunate thing is that we have very good communication, so I don't think there are any concerns that either of us have that the other doesn't know about. However, I am not so sure how many of them I am willing to disclose at this point. I am still very confused, and just need some time to think. A lot of why I am so upset has to do with my job, and wether or not I am going to be able to keep it. The thing about a wonderful job that has rewards beyond monetary compensation is the fact that we live in a material world. (but I am NOT a material girl) I will do everything in my power to continue doing what I love though, since It truly makes me happy.

Am I ok? Eh... I think I will live. Things are kind of shitty right now, but life ultimately goes on, and this too shall pass. Wether I am better, or worse for the wear, who knows?

So thanks for your continued support it means more than you know, and I will update you when dust has settled a bit.

-Lisa

what is that sound you ask?

that is the sound of my world crashing down,

my hopes and dreams falling apart,

my heart shattering into a million pieces,

and the echo of a thousand tears.

Why does everything I try to do turn to shit?

Why does everything that makes me happy seem to move farther and farther away?

Why does it always have to hurt so bad?

weekend getaway

so it has been a while since Jarrett and I went somewhere. Ok. not really. We just got back from Hawaii. But thats ok, we have the weekend off, and are going to CALI!!!

We are going to drive up to Valencia and go to Siz flags Magic Mt. Jay just found out that he gets in for free with his travel agent card. We also got a great deal on the hotel room!

We also might go to the Gibbon Center where a colleague of mine used to work. I suppose I can drag Jarrett in for an hour or so to see some apes!

well, thats it. short and sweet. I am having an allergy attack, so i'm jus waiting for my pills to kick in and knock me out! yay.

10 days

It has been 10 days since my last post.

oops.

Not that there has not been things to write about. I have actually started several posts, but never finished them. That is kind of how I have been feeling lately... Blah. There are a million things running around in my head. Today has been my first day off in over a week. The zoo has been incredibly busy! It has finally started cooling down. It just kind of happened all of a sudden. Yesterday I actually felt like I needed a sweatshirt! Because of the beautiful weather, people have flocked to the zoo in the thousands! Over the 3 day weekend we had almost 18,000 visitors! I was talking almost non-stop!

Speaking of the zoo... I found out last week that I did not get the primate carnivore job. I was a little bummed out for a while. I am sure that it was for the best though. The director for the dept said that I am on the right track, and just need a little more experience. They were really impressed with the interview. Of course they were, I am very confident in interviews. I get a little nervous, but definitely don't show it. In fact, I have been offered every single job I ever interviewed for up until I interviewed for keeper jobs at the zoo. Hmmpfh. Makes me wish that I could go back to school or something to get a Biology degree. Not that it would take me too long with my transfer credits, but I would rather not have to go back. Someday It would be neat to go and get a teaching degree. I think I would make a great Science Teacher. But that someday is very far away.

I had dinner with a friend I had not seen in a long time last Sat. It was SO nice to see her. She is such a good person and has an amazing outlook on life. I could definitely use more of her positivity. As I was telling her about some of the things troubling me, she offered me some great advice. Having been through a lot in her life, her words have helped me more than she knows. The main things she said, were about surrenduring control of your life to God. His plan is better, and far more perfect than anything you could concieve. You don't have to worry about the future, the what ifs? and the why nots? All you need to worry about is right now. Ask God to take control, and show you, through the hopes and dreams that lie in your heart, where you are supposed to be. Words to live by...